Parents: Whole Child Wellness Starts with You!

Hello! The warm weather is finally here in the PNW, and all families are feeling the exhilarating energy from the sun and increased outdoor activities. I wanted to take a moment to write this post because I often feel that parents' health is frequently overlooked, yet it is exceptionally important for children's health and well-being. It’s true that the health of the parent(s) greatly impacts the health and well-being of a child. I often find in intake sessions that while children are being brought to therapy, it is often a parent who needs time in my space as well. This is NOTHING to be embarrassed about; in fact, it makes a parent human, and it takes an incredible amount of courage and humility to ask for help. I can confidently say that we, as clinicians, are here to support parents as well. No clinician is effective in only working with one family member. All individuals are part of a complex system that responds to the energy and needs of those around it.

In this same breath, I want to acknowledge and validate the current landscape we are living in. Screens, lack of movement, and increased stress and work have landed many American families in a place of illness and exhaustion. This is no way to live, and it takes a bold approach to come up with a plan to live and do things differently. Additionally, our kiddos lack essential skills to connect with others and belong in a community (something that has been essential to our survival since the beginning of time and still is!).

We must do things radically different.

Below are my top 5 interventions that I use with many of the families I work with:

1. Reduce screen time for the whole family by 50% of your current use. Try this for 2 weeks and evaluate the outcome.

2. 20 minutes minimum outside for all family members. This is essential for circadian rhythm, emotion regulation, and mood.

3. Try to stick with 1 activity outside of school per day. Children need unstructured time, and many of my clients don’t have an opportunity to simply be.

4. Connect with the community. This can be a church, gym, volunteer organization, club, etc., but we need to buffer the stresses of modern-day life with a support network that can have our back!

5. Parent sessions. Schedule them and attend them with your questions and concerns. Research has shown that children’s mental health greatly benefits from parent-only therapy or child and family therapy. Additionally, we are happy to make referrals when we feel additional support may be beneficial.

My hope is that you find this message uplifting and that it prompts you to take action. Progress over perfection!

Spring Running Injury

As a therapist, I encourage my clients to be vulnerable so I want to walk the talk on this platform to share not only a little bit about myself, but my imperfect humaness as well. I am currently injured. Yes, my left knee has landed me in physical therapy and missed out miles with friends. I am bummed, pissed off, sad, and frustrated by the whole thing. Additionally, I’m finding that I am needing more ways to express these feelings so here we are. I currently have a knee diagnosis of IT band syndrome. Its been a few weeks of physical therapy sessions and small runs but I am itching to be able to trail run and have had to use the road instead. I want to throw an adult tantrum…actually, I have. But there comes a time where you need to pick yourself up, commit to the process and stay the course. I am currently on the stage of staying the course through the protocol of strengthening and restoring. Its challenging my resilience and patience and I know that there has to be a nugget of learning on the other side.

How does one cope when the things they enjoy or love is not something they can do? Running (and many forms of movement) have been my way to de-stress, socialize and get outside. So what am I gong to do? well I gathered all of my swim gear and am going to the pool. I am trading my run miles for swim laps until me knee is healed. Additionally, this morning I rolled out my yoga mat and went to bikram yoga. I do love yoga and am relieved that my knee can still do most of the postures. I have decided that instead of focusing on what I can’t do, I am going to put energy into the things that I can do. “Control your controllables!” is something I say often in session and one I’ve put into use the past couple weeks.

My hope is that you first see my humanness and than my therapistness. I hope you see my imperfect perfection and how similar we all really are. Life has its highs and lows and everything in-between and I find that story telling is a beautiful way to connect and validate the discomforts and comforts that come with being human.

We work with your child’s school!

Parent(s) are surprised (and pleased!) to find out that Balanced Counseling NW offers to work with school faculty: teachers, counselors, and principals in supporting your child!

Why? because I find that advocacy and team work makes for the best gifted student outcomes. Additionally, sometimes, all it takes is a new perspective to shift things and educate others on what works when it comes to working with talented and gifted students. I’m happy to be in your child’s corner and want them to know that I am on their team. Also, I’ve worked in an elementary school as a counselor so I have the utmost respect and understanding for the faculty that is supporting your kiddo at school. I will add that their job is not easy and they are doing their best to meet the needs of a wide variety of students and learners (who happen to be in the same classroom!).

Balanced Counseling NW provides services that go above and beyond what is offered at most practices. We know and understand what it takes to support children and will go to far lengths to ensure you and your families needs our met. This is what makes Balanced Counseling NW great at what we do and feel fortunate to be able to serve you!

Candice Guertin, MA

Gifted Kids: Myths

There are many misconceptions about what it means to be identified as gifted. My intention is to set a few things straight and give you insight into common myths that are discussed in the gifted community.

• Parents often report, “I don’t want my kid to think their better than anyone else”.

  Answer: It’s not in the nature of a gifted child to seek attention for their intelligence or talents. In fact, in my practice, the clients I see are very aware of others and the importance of things being just and fair. Additionally its important to mention, children who are identified as gifted, oftentimes suffer when their intellectual needs aren’t being met. This makes it not about being better, but about having different needs.

• Gifted Education is Elitest

  Answer: Children identified as gifted come from all racial, ethnic, and cultural populations as well as socioeconomic status. The area of growth is typically seen in the identification process. Schools with little funding typically don’t have funds for gifted identification or programming to support their more intellectual students.

• School will be easy

  Answer: School will likely not be your gifted child’s favorite place unless it provides the stimulation and freedom for them to explore their interests and get material that is at their level. Schools are organized by age and gifted children are intellectually operating well above grade level in one or more subject areas. It is this mismatch that creates conflict and frustration for the child. The child then will be more likely to bring this frustration into their family system or classroom as a way to try to get their needs met. I often share with parents that this communication is often misdirected through behavior even though a modification of more advanced material may make a great impact on their overall school experience.

• Gifted Kids don’t need therapy. What could possibly be wrong?

  Answer: It’s not giftedness alone that needs support but the lived experience that comes with it. Giftedness is NOT a diagnosis but a way of being and experiencing the world.

  Below are a list of experiences that gifted kids and their families often seek therapy for:

  Existential thoughts, longing for purpose, depression

  Strong motivation to make an impact on the world

  Anxiety that comes along with perfectionism

  Depression that comes from feeling disconnected from peers

  Depression that comes from having existential thoughts and a brain that is constantly on

  Adjustment challenges from asynchronous development (example intellectually performing at a college level while still acquiring the skills to ride a bike).

  Getting bullied

  Identity challenges from feeling different than age peers

  Mistaken belief that there is something wrong with them

  The pressure of high expectations from themselves and others

  The feelings of being misunderstood and disconnected from others, low self esteem

• Any therapist can work with my gifted child

  Answer: Majority of the current graduate school programs do not educate on neurodiversity. It’s important to work with a therapist that has training and seeks consultation in working with the gifted population. Additionally, to prevent misdiagnosis, it is important to seek a clinician who understands your child and can support them in a way that is affirming. A clinician who understands, celebrates and gives freedom and space to differences and supporting the whole child: Mind, Body and Spirit!

  If you are looking for more information regarding gifted myths, click the link below to view a recent interview on Instagram Live with Dr. Joy Eberhardt of Orchid Pediatrics and yours truly!

https://www.instagram.com/p/C35liIor22O/

Presentation at the International School of Beaverton

Last week I had the opportunity to connect with over 60 students at the International School of Beaverton. What a great school! My presentation “How to help regulate your perfectly imperfect nervous system” happens to be the same presentation that was presented at the OATAG annual conference (Oregon Association for Talented and Gifted) and the SENG national conference (supporting emotional needs of the gifted). The students ranged from Grades 6-12 and were not all TAG students, however, all children and teens can benefit from learning how to better understand and regulate their nervous system (we all have one!).

I was impressed by the students questions and how open and accepting they were to discussing emotions. I think its important that we normalize feelings and the importance they have in all of our lives. They do not need to be scary or hidden but embraced for what they truly are, excellent ways for our bodies to communicate. For example, anger is an action emotion. Anger gets us to do something when our boundaries have been crossed or perhaps we feel disempowered or hurt. It helps motivate us to make changes so that we feel less anger, however, if we simply push it down and ignore it then it can oftentimes make it worse. We may feel more angry and eventually become depressed or frozen not knowing what to do.

On another note, I feel as though when I present at schools, I am presenting to my former self or my peers at a time in which I feel we would have greatly benefited from this presentation. My hope is that when I walk into a school, students feel seen and understand that there are several resources and places and people to talk to when and if they need them. Emotions exist to be felt and talked about. Spread the word!

An open letter to the parents of gifted children

An open letter to the parents of gifted children

Dearest parent(s),

Nothing could have prepared you for this.  Unfortunately, not many people will understand the difficulty and courage that it takes to parent such intense, curious, and sensitive souls.  The truth is you’re in the minority.  The “no child left behind” act feels bleakley familiar because you too feel like your child is being left, but for different reasons.  Let me share this, your reasons are just as valid and deserve just as much attention because to be held back, to wait, to dislike school, the classroom, and not be challenged can be just as devastating.

I see it often and am so passionate about supporting and nurturing this population. My purpose in writing this letter is to offer encouragement. The first step is awareness and you are doing just that by reading this letter.  My guess is your awareness came to fruition because of that strange “TAG” letter that was sent to you from the school or the fact that you always had that inner inkling like something may be different or perhaps you relate to your child and are just beginning to unravel and explore your own giftedness.  Congratulations, you have entered the beginning of a journey filled with many highs and lows but you do have great company and if you become a part of these communities you will feel seen and nurtured amidst it all.  WE GET IT!

Educate yourself through reading some of my favorite books:

Living with Intensity by Susan Daniels and Michael M. Piechowski

Your Rainforest Mind by Paula Prober

Five Levels of Gifted by Dr. Deborah Ruf

The Five Levels of Gifted Children Grown Up by Dr. Deborah Ruf

The second step is to join and get involved in Community.  It will be your safe haven when the emotions get big or another teacher doesn’t understand or perhaps you have a teacher that does and can share that experience with your community as well.

https://www.sengifted.org/

Thirdly, seek expert counsel.  There are many clinicians out there that will and do get it.  Infact, I have had the fortunate experience of meeting pediatricians, optometrists, naturopaths, physical therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, and acupuncturists. Additionally, there are consult groups of excellent clinicians that have teamed together to support you and your children.  We are a growing community who lead with our hearts and can oftentimes relate to your Rainforest Mind! (Paula Prober)

http://www.nwgca.org/counselors--therapists.html

Embracing our Octopus Minds

Written by: Charlotte Cheney

When I watched the documentary “My Octopus Teacher” I laughed, I cried, and I started thinking about the time I very briefly had an octopus as a pet.

I grew up on the water, with a grandfather who took my brother and I fishing, shrimping, and crabbing every year, and we always managed to catch something weird which added to the adventure. Once, when I was about eight years old, I caught a small purple octopus in my shrimp pot, and was ecstatic! I loved the sea and marine life, and had been fascinated by the little cephalopod at our local aquarium that was known for escaping its tank and making a break for it. I immediately asked if I could keep the octopus, and eventually the compromise was reached that I could keep him in a bucket on the skiff until it was time to return to the docks, at which point I had to release him. I also wasn’t allowed to pet him, because my mom warned that the other octopus would be scared if he smelled like a human when he returned. So I sat in the bottom of the boat, my little legs and arms wrapped around my new friend in his bucket, and tried to think of what to name him. 

With a twinkle in his eye, my grandfather suggested “calamari.” I had no idea what that meant or why my mom was giving him an incredulous look, but decided that it sounded fancy and my new friend looked fancy with his swaying, swirling legs, so Calamari it was. I spent the rest of the day chatting with my new friend, and had to be reminded many times that he would be happier in the water with space to grow and swim than he would be in a tank in my room, before letting him slip back beneath the waves at the end of the day.

A few years later, I was at a restaurant with my grandfather when I noticed calamari on the menu and made him explain the name. I was scandalized, he couldn’t stop laughing, and my grandmother just sipped her tea, smiling and shaking her head. 

I still love octopuses, they remain one of my favorite parts of visiting any aquarium. Candice and I realized we shared a love of octopus the other day, and spent some time marveling at the uniqueness of these creatures. We also realized how they serve as metaphors for the diverse minds and intelligences in our world. 

Octopuses, to me at least, symbolize the versatility and power of our own mind-body connection. Each arm of an octopus operates under the control of a separate brain, a testament to their extraordinary problem-solving abilities and adaptability. Yet they are still able to use all that intelligence together and synchronize their brains and arms to accomplish impressive feats. They are known to open jars, solve puzzles, and even partially dismantle their tanks as part of escape stunts. They are able to change their coloring, to the point they even look like they have different textures, to protect themselves and hide in plain sight. None of this would be possible without their unique brains and their ability to integrate all the information they absorb to survive.

The parallel to our own internal landscape is striking. While we may not boast multiple brains, we do possess diverse intelligences—intuition, gut feelings, impulses, thoughts, and the wisdom housed within our bodies. Listening to these internal cues, our extra "octopus brains," allows us to gain deeper insights into ourselves and the world around us. If we take some time to be present in our surroundings, to breathe, to be still, and to listen, we can start to feel our different intelligences awakening within us. We can tune into them, learn from them, and be mindful of what they show us. They can guide us to new interests, to rekindle past enjoyment, help us make decisions, and even protect us by guiding us away from things that are not meant to be. When we listen to this internal intelligence we can learn more about ourselves and our world, and integrate that knowledge into our decision making and problem solving processes.

Take some time to be an octopus today, to be mindful of your space, actions, and the world around you. Listen to the different intelligences coming from inside you, and see what happens when you act on them. See what happens if you allow yourself to change with the waves of the world, and embrace the different intelligences within you that make you unique. 

Presentation at Oregon Episcopal School (OES)

This week we (Charlotte and Candice) presented at Oregon Epsicopol School’s Upper School.  We presented on the topic of stress management, “How to regulate your perfectly imperfect nervous system”.  

Students learned about the nervous system and the different nervous system states.  Additionally, they were educated on Polyvagal Theory and learned 3 techniques to help regulate their nervous system (ear massage, brief physical activity, and yoga nidra). 

Balanced Counseling NW will begin to offer presentations to local schools as well as offer parent workshops to parent associations.  We believe in the importance of connection and community and feel that having a presence in our clients schools will allow us to extend our knowledge and resources.  

I (Candice) believe that 5-10 years from now everyone will be practicing meditation and incorporating mindfulness practices into their everyday lives.  It's an essential practice to operate in our ever changing and complex world.  It will allow us to become calm in the chaos. An opportunity to respond instead of react. A way for us to come home to our truth, our soul, the most authentic parts of who we are.  

Please contact us if you would like Balanced Counseling NW to present at your school or parent association.  We will be publishing information shortly about our offerings for the community and look forward to connecting and making an impact in the place we call home.

Vulnerability - Wait & Receive

By: Charlotte H. Cheney

The other day I responded to a journal prompt asking me to reflect on what I gain when I am vulnerable. Now the first thing that came to mind was “nerves,” which I am sure has been all our responses to vulnerability at least once in our lives. But then I thought about it more, and my second thought was connection. When we are vulnerable, we allow ourselves to make connections with others. Whether we are vulnerable by asking a teacher or co-worker for help, by sharing something with our partners that we are not sure how they will receive, or if we are asking for our needs to be met, we are creating space for others to connect with us. We are opening up, and allowing them to meet us where we are.

My third thought was more in line with a theme that has been a constant in my life since joining Balanced Counseling NW a few months ago: the idea of being open to receive. This idea, being open to receive as I gain knowledge, connections, and relationships with others, being open to receive as I start out in private practice, it's something that has been really hard for me to do. I am definitely one of those “go get-em,” women, and I am not skilled at waiting for good things to come to me. I am far more likely to try and chase good things down, but that is not always the best way to gain what we want or need. 

Think of a time when you were working on a project, this project could be for school, work, a volunteer organization, or even something in a friendship or partnership. During that time, the other person or people in that situation with you needed to do something, needed to do their part, on the project. Again, this could be anything; buying the posterboard for the project, calling the cable company before the big game, coordinating with other offices for an important meeting, scheduling date night, anything. In this situation, you could only do so much to make the things that needed to happen, happen. The rest, however big or small a part, was up to the other(s) involved. And that is a vulnerable place to be. It is hard to give up control, particularly when anxiety and self doubt tell us that we can and must control everything in order to make sure things go right. We feel vulnerable when we have done all we can do, and are waiting to see what the universe will do in return. I always felt like this put me in a weird limbo, a place of “wait and see,” which again, is not my strong point. But now I see things differently.

Sometimes, we have to wait and receive. 

Sometimes, it takes a bit of vulnerability to open our hearts to others, to trust they will come through, to trust that the universe will come through. But that vulnerability allows us to be open. It allows us to let go of that control, and allows the other people in our lives to meet us where we are, to connect with us, and to give us what we need.

Does this always go the way we want? No, being vulnerable and open to receive does not guarantee that we will get what we want out of life. But, it gives us room to grow, it gives others the chance to connect with us, and it gives the universe room to surprise us. 

Much like we cannot receive help unless we ask for help or acknowledge that we need it, we cannot be open to receiving without being vulnerable with ourselves and others about what it is we want.

So name the desire, call out the dream, and if it feels scary or vulnerable, know that means there is space to be delighted, space to grow, and space to flourish. 

The gifts and challenges of Multipotentiality

Multipotentiality:

The definition:

 Multipotentiality is an educational and psychological term referring to the ability of a person, particularly one of intellectual or artistic curiosity, to excel in two or more different fields. It can also refer to an individual whose interests span multiple fields or areas, rather than being strong in just one. Such individuals are called "multipotentialites."

As a clinician whom specializes in giftedness, I can attest to seeing many of my clients challenged to figure out “their thing”.  In fact, they struggle to name what they are solely interested in because they are exceptionally talented in many things.  Infact, for many of my clients the choice of choosing a major or thinking about a future career is overwhelming and stress provoking.  How does one scale it down to one thing when their whole life they have been good at several things?  

Below are a list of some overlooked complexities of being a multipotentialite:

• If an individual does not have a strong sense of their authentic self than they are easily persuaded into careers they may not want to pursue

• Others may minimize the unique challenge and ignore the individuals suffering in the process, example “oh, it must be so hard to be good at everything” or “I wish I had that problem”.

• They can change their major several times which may look indecisive and chaotic

• They may jump from job to job or industry to industry out of boredom

• Too many options can create paralysis and they may become frozen, unable to make a decision and move forward

• Hiring managers or recruiters may review their resumes and think they are not reliable since they have not stayed in a role for a long period of time

• Individuals can feel like a rubber band being pulled into many directions given outsiders yearnings for their future.  For example, their science professor may recommend they look into research or their english professor may encourage them to pursue creative writing. The reality is, they could do all of these things-but the importance is focusing on what they want and not what the outside world pushes them to do.

“Multipotentialites don't quit when something becomes too hard; we quit because something becomes too easy.”
― Emilie Wapnick

When working with clients, I validate their experience (share some of my own journey). Additionally, I stress the concept of impermanence.  Your first major doesn’t have to be your major and you can always switch careers down the road.   In fact, my friends father went back to med school in his 40’s!

 My suggestion is to lean into your creativity to think outside the box, like becoming an entrepreneur, where one can creatively incorporate all of their talents in a way that suits them.  

Want to learn more about Multipotentiality?

Check out this TED Talk

Link